Barbara Leeds
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How to Grow Ketchup
A knowledgeable government agency has recently
discovered that ketchup is a vegetable, capable of
providing valuable nutrients to the nation’s
schoolchildren.
To assist the public in taking advantage of this new
information, we are offering the following
instructions for home cultivation:
- Pick up a few extra ketchup packets with your next
quarter-pounder.
- Prepare a large plot, tilling the soil and
breaking up the larger clods.
- Plant the packets in rows, six inches
apart.
- Irrigate daily with a mixture of
water, vinegar, and sugar.
- As vines grow, keep them free of
weeds and small animals. With patience
and faith, your young plants should produce.
- Bottles will be red and firm when
ripe; they will pour with infuriating
slowness. (If left too long on the
vine, the ketchup will graduate into
full-scale picnic-table vats, complete
with pumping spouts.) Pick a ripe
bottle, remove top, slather over your
favorite junk food, and enjoy.
Remember: Every serving of ketchup
means one less serving of lima beans.
First Prize, Humor,
Foster City Writers’ Contest
